if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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