The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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