You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
