i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Houston, we have a squirter
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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