well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
