Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
