Im at strip club and am horny
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
