So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
