look no pants
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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