glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
In other news, I just burned my penis
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
