1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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