You made me cry and you don't even care
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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