ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
