In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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