please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
