I hope mine doesn't look like that
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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