Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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