"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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