Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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