I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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