I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said her name was "party"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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