His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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