If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
