I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize