I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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