Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
