Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
