I'd wear matching sweaters with you
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize