Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love you. Go after that dick
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
