I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
