hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
