maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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