We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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