Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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