I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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