WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize