tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
