I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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