I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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