Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
