I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
