You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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