3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
