i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
