Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
