You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
tell me about the eggs
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
