you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
pop tarts are not kleenex
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
