you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
