There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
