Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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