who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I faked an abortion last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
