Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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