I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
