my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
