My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You ate ashes out of my bong
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
