I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
