In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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