I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
