my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
