He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
whose parrot is this?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
