New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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