We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
