my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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