I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
