my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
