I'm so fucking centered right now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
