It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
