life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
