My sheets look like a crime scene.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
