ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
